The day that I felt completely terrified of my body was the day that I found out that I had breast cancer. There were two lumps in my breast and two in my armpit - it had begun to spread. The darkness dimming my inner light.
I couldn’t be alone with my body. I felt so threatened, unsafe and scared.
There was a comfort in having somebody with me at all times. Even when taking a shower, I would insist that either my husband or eldest daughter would sit in the bathroom and talk to me. It felt safer, as though somehow, they could stop me from being killed by me … by my body.
In that moment, it wasn’t my body but my mind that had the power to kill me - scared of myself! The what ifs and the dark pictures being painted. I had become my biggest threat.
There was no protecting me.
Until I realised that I was my most powerful remedy!
My mind was indeed a high-powered tool. It had the potential to ruin me or rescue me. My mind became my armour.
The positive stories that I embraced and visualised.
The mantras that I repeated to build focus and strength.
My breath became a force that soothed my whole being, dissolving anxiety and loosening the grip of fear.
I allowed my physical to be treated by a wonderful medical team. The harshness of the treatment reflected the severity of the threat. I nurtured my body’s response to the chemical invasion, embracing compassion and comfort in a way that was so new to me. I was learning to interpret and respond to the subtle cues that my body was giving me.
Trust grew and connection deepened as I took each day as it came. Slowly, the transformation that happened was truly within, on all levels.
There are many reasons why people mentally sever the connection to their body. Reconnecting can mean plugging into pain and trauma. Finding the inner strength to acknowledge the feeling of deep betrayal of the body, the disappointment and sadness that is bitterly lying dormant can open the doorway to forgiveness. To embrace compassion and know that you are one, and as a whole you will be stronger. The realisation that even in the most terrifying situations both body and mind are your most loyal companions. The mind trying hard to protect you from the physical trauma and the body adapting to whatever is needed to survive the conditions. Understanding the delicate relationship, the intricate connections, that so effortlessly communicate, will pave the way to finding harmony within the chaos.